On the surface, a family scapegoat often looks as if they’re the problem child.
They might be the college dropout in a legacy of Ivy Leaguers or the introverted gamer in a family of outgoing athletes. Sometimes, they’re just the foil to their golden-child sibling; more aloof or less financially successful.
These are the black sheep that some parents seek therapy to “fix.” However, the issue usually lies in the family dynamic itself, not the individual child, Annie Wright, a licensed marriage and family therapist in California, told Business Insider.
“There’s a family systems issue, but they’re pointing to one person as the scapegoat,” Wright said. Behind the scenes, one spouse could be having an affair, the parents could be having explosive fights, and the marriage could be breaking down. By being assigned blame for the entire family’s dysfunction, family scapegoats become “the person who holds the unconscious collective burden of the family.”
Wright shared some signs you might be the scapegoat of your family, even if you do your best to fit in.
1. You clash with your family’s norms
Scapegoats don’t always feel like they’re underachieving in the family. Some might feel the opposite: in a family that enforces more rigid gender roles, Wright said, you might be the black sheep if you’re the first woman to go to college or work as a CEO.
The point is that scapegoats don’t fit in. They’re usually “the person who acts antithetical to the norms of the family,” she said. Simply doing things differently can get you branded as a family outsider.
2. You seesaw between rebellion and people-pleasing
Not everyone responds the same way to being the family scapegoat. Some might even cycle through different stages, Wright said.
“At the far end of the spectrum, they really embrace that identity,” she said, noting that some people lean into the black sheep label and continually try to rebel against their family.
On the other end, “people can fight tooth and nail to fit in after the very painful experience of being rejected by a family system,” she said.
And between those two extremes, many people teeter between both, going through periods of withdrawal or fawning for approval.
3. You struggle with trusting others
Family dynamics can shape all other relationships, from romantic partnerships to friendships, Wright said.
Family scapegoats may experience social challenges such as “feeling like they can trust others, feeling like it’s safe to be themselves, feeling like they can assert themselves and have that be OK,” Wright said.
They might hold back in relationships, fearing yet another rejection.
4. You seek out people who criticize you
It’s common to be drawn to what feels familiar, so family scapegoats might unconsciously seek out relationships where they still feel like the ones taking all the blame.
“If at some level you had a family system that othered you, you might be drawn to partners or friends who are critical of the way you are,” Wright said. This is doubly so if their parents were vocally and frequently critical of them.
As painful as it can be to find yourself a family scapegoat, Wright said it’s the beginning of a new path. You can alter the dynamics in your relationships, including those within your family, once you start to realize that you deserve better.
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