“I never want to own a house.”
That’s what I had said, confidently, for years. After growing up assuming I’d own a house one day, I realized, like most millennials, I might never be able to comfortably afford one.
I decided to be at peace with it and leaned in. No giant repair bills, no being house poor, no weeding a garden on weekends, no problem.
Then, I fell head over heels in love with a homeowner.
A year after we met, I moved in with her and her roommate — and along with that came my insecurities and fears about finances.
I was nervous to either contribute too much or too little to a home I didn’t own
As we planned our move-in, a few parallel fears surfaced for me.
I wanted to contribute equally to our home expenses so that I didn’t just feel like a renter, but I didn’t want to overstep and assume I was now a part of this investment she had already poured five years into.
I was also afraid of what would happen if we shared big-ticket expenses like remodeling and then eventually broke up.
Not to mention, this was my first time moving in with a partner. So much felt foreign to me, but I felt safe enough in our relationship to initiate a conversation.
Talking about all of these topics felt scary. I didn’t have a playbook for this — what was normal for couples like us? Where was the line between being responsible and being selfish? Would I jinx our relationship by bringing up a possible ending?
I brought it up a few weeks before our planned move-in date. I went with: “Can we check in about what you’re picturing for finances when I move in?”
The conversation turned out to be very freeing for both of us. It turns out that she had nerves of her own about asking too much of me financially.
Speaking our fears out loud gave us the chance to ease each other’s worries and make a plan
Although my partner makes more than I do, we decided to divide the mortgage and utilities evenly. I’m paying less than I did when I rented, especially because our roommate pays one-third of the total sum.
At first, my partner insisted she’d handle the utilities on her own, since she’d be paying those bills either way. She hadn’t been charging our roommate for the utilities before, and felt fine keeping it that way.
I convinced her to let me contribute to those costs, though. In the end, the three of us decided to split rent, gas, water, electricity, and WiFi.
Finally, we talked through future home projects and bigger expenses. She was about to start a re-siding project timed to my move-in, which cost tens of thousands of dollars. She’d been saving and preparing for it for years and would pay for it herself.
For future large expenses, though — like swapping our clawfoot tub for a walk-in shower — we planned to split the costs. I’m majorly benefiting from her initial investment in this house, so I want to be a part of the rest of the home’s life.
However, she doesn’t want me to feel pressure to invest in a house I didn’t choose. We decided that if we split the cost of a project that would improve the home’s equity, she’d pay back my half if we broke up.
Of course, we’re deeply in love and plan to stay together, but we’re pragmatic enough to plan for our worst-case scenario.
The conversation felt nerve-racking, but then liberating
The conclusion we came to ended up easing both our anxieties. My nerves about a potential breakup mess are gone, and I know what my role is in our shared finances.
Her nerves about asking too much of me were soothed as well, since I’m eager to lean into this new aspect of our partnership. In the end, we both wanted the same thing: to walk into the next chapter of life hand-in-hand.
I must admit, being a grandfathered-in homeowner is pretty amazing. I can actually paint the walls. I have no fears of my rent being raised.
I don’t have to deal with a no-pet policy (which is good because our dog loves living here). I get to live with my girlfriend in a cute yellow house that’s completely ours.
Plus, weeding on the weekends isn’t actually so bad. A few months ago, we scattered some seeds and buried bulbs in the ground. We now have a garden that’s bursting with colorful wildflowers, fragrant herbs, and yummy vegetables.
Our home is in bloom.
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