When I tell people that my youngest daughter is attending the same college as her older twin siblings, I always hear some variation of these questions:
Did they always want to go to the same college? Are you happy you only need to do one drop-off? Are you getting a buy 2 get 1 free discount?
The answer is no, yes, and I wish!
The reaction people have had to them all attending the same school reminds me of when my twins were babies. People were fascinated and had lots of questions.
Even though I am happy that they will have each other at Fordham University in New York, the transition has been hard for me.
They have only been there a few weeks, and I have FOMO every time I talk to them. But this is all part of my transition into an empty nester.
Preparation didn’t help
For the past year, I’ve been trying to mentally prepare for the time when all three kids will be in college. Anytime my youngest was at one of her many after-school activities, I would think, “This is what it’s going to be like.”
I even went on my first solo trip to start to get used to the idea of being without my kids.
But as the name empty nest implies, there’s an indescribable emptiness that is different from when she was living at home. Even though she was busy, she was always at home at night. She acts in musical theater, so she was always belting out songs at home.
During the first week she was gone, my husband noticed the silence. He said, “There’s no singing anymore.”
I initially coped by cleaning
After we moved them into their dorms, I returned home and began cleaning and decluttering. For the next week, I deep-cleaned all their bedding and every surface in their rooms, and donated extra items like sheets, blankets, and towels.
When I told my youngest daughter how I spent my time, she replied, “That sounds like a very empty nest thing to do.”
Cleaning didn’t change the stillness, but having some control over an aspect of my life made me feel a little better. And their rooms never looked so clean, which was (as my daughter would say) very satisfying.
Listening to music helped
Besides singing, my daughter also loves listening to music. One day, I heard an Ariana Grande song in her room. When I went to investigate the source, I found my husband, who said, “I thought I would play some music to help it feel like she’s still here.”
After laughing at my husband’s creative attempt to fill the void, I realized that hearing the music actually helped.
Talking to other empty nesters helped too
This week, one of my fellow empty-nest friends called and asked, “How are you doing?”
We discussed our mutual new normal and how hard and strange it’s been. We agreed to meet for a meal in a few weeks, and having something to look forward to has helped.
I then realized a few other friends were in the same situation. In our group chat, I asked, “When are we having an empty nest gathering?” They all agreed that sounded like a great way to cope. So yet another planned gathering; my calendar is filling up.
Planning a trip
Ever since I was in my 20s, I’ve always loved traveling. Since my twins were babies, we have been traveling as a family. We’ve gone on many family-friendly cruises like Royal Caribbean and Norwegian Cruise Line.
To help me look forward to something, I planned a trip for just my husband and me.
Since it’s just the two of us, we are going to try a Celebrity Cruise, which tends to be mostly adults and more upscale — in other words, a line we wouldn’t take our kids on. And we’re going to a bucket-list destination that I’ve wanted to go to since my 20s — Greece!
Anytime I’ve felt sad, I started planning or researching, and that’s definitely helped, too.
Let them fly
My youngest daughter was already familiar with the college campus from visiting her siblings, so she hasn’t had the typical homesickness most students experience (at least not yet). She’s been so busy with classes, clubs, and activities that I’ve barely spoken to her.
When I was feeling sad this week, my husband said, “We need to let them fly.”
He’s right, and I love that he’s sticking with the bird metaphor.
To help me focus on the positives, I asked them to send a first-day-of-classes picture, and they actually did it. Seeing them all together made me smile, and knowing I still had clout helped too.
The best part? They’ve kept up the weekly dinner meetups my twins started their freshman year. Every week, all three of them share a meal, catching up and probably complaining about us. They even have a nickname for it — sibs dinner (short for siblings).
While I wait for Fordham to respond to my application, I might show up unannounced to their next sibs dinner. Just like a homing pigeon, I’ll land directly on their table.
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