This interview is based on a conversation with James Richard Cornell, 63, who has been caring for his 87-year-old mom with dementia for over a decade. Cornell built a house on his property for his mom, which has helped them avoid nursing home costs. This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
My mom is a pleasure to take care of. She doesn’t give you any crap. She does what she needs to do.
I’ve worked in the trades my whole life. I started my first few years doing oil burner service. Then, I got into doing aluminum siding, but I wasn’t really happy with myself because I didn’t finish school.
I went to school to learn about commercial jets and found jobs working on their interiors and mechanics. For 25 years, I’ve worked across multiple fleet types, and I now do maintenance control full-time. I do want to retire eventually, and I think I will around 67.
My parents separated when I was around 6. My dad was in the military, and my mother wasn’t working for quite some time. After they separated, she raised us, playing both the mother and father roles.
After a while, she worked as a school bus driver for nearly 30 years, which allowed her to raise three kids with few problems.
My mom has dealt with some health issues.
There have always been some heart issues in the family. My mother had a heart attack 20 years ago, but it was a milder one. I spent about two weeks with her until she recovered from that. Her brother died of a massive heart attack. I’ve avoided heart issues, but I’ve dealt with inflammation and other side effects from a Lyme disease diagnosis I had much earlier in life.
My mother also has had a knee replacement and a spinal fusion, and I was with her during those. I had a friend who was a physician and taught me a lot about medicine, so I developed a fairly good understanding of the medical field and how to care for people. I’ve always been told I’ve been pretty good at being a caregiver.
My mother was living in Florida, and as she got older, she would always say, “Let me know when you’re ready for me.” It was clear her time to take care of the house she had was getting shorter. About 11 years ago, she called me up, and within weeks, my brother packed her up, and we sold the house. She’s been with me ever since.
I had a room for her in the house, and she was able to take care of herself and go to the store. She wanted the security of somebody because she hadn’t remarried. After a little while, she really wanted her own place and was emphatic about a tiny home after watching some TV shows about them.
I built her a house on my property.
After almost a year of trying to get around the logistics of actually putting a tiny home on the property, though, I couldn’t logistically get it all figured out. She also didn’t realize that the tiny home would be 200 square feet smaller than the room she was in.
Instead, I ended up building her a house in front of my yard. This was between 2013 and 2014. I used my experience in remodeling kitchens and bathrooms, as well as foundation work, to build it. I got a permit from the city and built the home step by step.
I got the property all marked up, then got it cleared for the foundation. Once that was done and approved, I got plumbing set up. I hired a few other people to put in the final slabs and wire it. I did the siding and flooring. It took roughly two years, and I fixed anything that was messed up or failed inspections. I got approval to put in the insulation, found someone to put up sheetrock, and put on the finishing touches. I also built a bay window for her.
My mom had the money for it, and I put in some of my own. It cost about $110,000 in total, for which she paid 90%, and it measures 1,000 square feet. I didn’t worry about delays because I accounted for those. If it took two months to do something, I really didn’t care, and it actually worked out a lot better.
When I walk out my front door, I can look to the right, and she’s right there. She’s just 30 feet off the corner of my house.
My mom’s health has declined a lot since she moved in.
Her vision started to worsen, and she was unable to see large semi-trucks in the middle of the road. The lights were too much, so we advised her to stop driving about two years ago.
On her birthday two years ago, I had a stair lift put in her house. She uses it all the time, especially after she slipped and took a few weeks to heal.
I noticed her cognitive awareness was starting to decline. She had a stroke the day after Christmas last year, and that’s when we found out that she had vascular dementia. Doctors took the clot out, and it took a toll on her. She now stays in our house.
I give her medications twice a day. I installed bed rails for her and put in a floor mat. I have a child monitoring system set up, so if she screams or hollers, someone will hear her. I also installed an alarm that sits in her floor mat that goes off if she gets up.
She’s doing well in her late 80s.
Physically, she’s internally healthy. She’s a little unsteady when walking and needs assistance to avoid falling. She gets disoriented and confused, and her memory is failing. There are seven stages of dementia, and she’s at the beginning of stage six. Most people don’t make it to stage seven.
I have two friends I pay to help care for her using my mom’s money. It helps us all take breaks so we don’t get too overwhelmed. Nursing homes are awfully expensive, and I promised her years ago that I would take care of her until her final days. She’s done so much for me, so it’s fitting that I return it. If it wasn’t for her, I wouldn’t be where I am today.
The bulk of her caregiving is paid for out of her own money. I have full power of attorney for everything, and I manage her finances to cover what she needs. I pay for her life alert and cellphone with my money, and I take care of her motor vehicles. She has an income of about $4,000 a month. We wouldn’t be able to afford a nursing home in the five figures.
My one friend who cares for her reads to her every other day. It’s a joy to see. She’s in the best shape she can be given her condition. The doctors tell us that her blood work looks really good. My brother comes up almost every month and stays for a week, taking care of her.
I recently took her on a plane trip to see my brother, and I promised her we’d get a fish sandwich. The look on her face was like that of a little child.
She’s got a good personality, which I’m very thankful for. She’s got a lot of loving assistance here watching over her. She doesn’t have a mean bone in her, but she still has her sarcasm.
Read the full article here
