It’s been well over two decades since I’ve seen my brother. Although he’s five years older, we were close growing up.
When he left for college, he rarely returned home, choosing to live in his college town year-round, but we kept in touch. When I was 19, and he was 24, we decided to venture west and moved together to Phoenix, where we shared an apartment for a couple of years. He met and married a woman, and I continued on to California before eventually returning to the East Coast.
That was the first fissure in our relationship.
Although we made feeble attempts to stay in touch, it wasn’t until several years later that we reconnected. He was looking for a new start. He asked to come stay with my family, which at the time included a husband, three children, and me. It was supposed to be just a weekend. We haven’t spoken since.
I don’t want the pattern to repeat with my children
It’s a generational pattern in my family. I was 12 when I found out my father had a brother. After some rift with their father, the family split. It hadn’t occurred to me when I looked at family photos that the young man I assumed was my father was actually my uncle. They looked identical. I just thought there were a lot of pictures of my dad.
It makes me sad that my family is fractured. It feels lonely knowing people I’m bonded to by blood are not in my life. That’s one of the many reasons my prayer since my five children were born has been for them to remain closely connected.
I wish my kids made more time for each other
I have four boys and one girl. It’s uncanny how similar the boys are. The oldest and the youngest even share the same birthday, 16 years apart. Their development tracked so closely that I could predict when my youngest would reach his milestones based on his brother’s developmental achievements.
Sibling rivalry was rare in their early years. They always played well together. As they matured, they even pursued similar professions. Three are artists. One’s in finance, which is essential in a family of creatives. Two are married. One’s the father of two, and recently my oldest became engaged.
In their increasingly busy lives, they spend little time together. I understand that with wives, girlfriends, and busy careers, there are competing interests. That’s not what worries me. It’s those rare times when a conflict, because of time and distance, goes unresolved.
When conflicts arise, I want them to find a resolution
I understand that siblings are not always going to see eye to eye. That rosy picture I’ve painted of their youth is not really accurate. When we get together now, they often reminisce about knock-down, drag-out fights that somehow escaped my awareness. I tell them, “If I didn’t know about it then, I don’t need to know about it now,” because I want to remain deluded in a blissful memory of their perfect childhoods.
Tensions that led to those youthful squabbles were easily defused, likely because they had to live together. Today, if they have an argument, they can just go their separate ways. That bothers me. I don’t want bad feelings to fester. It’s too easy for them to deepen and cause irreparable damage, like with my uncle and my brother.
It’s not up to me to mediate
A couple of years ago, one of the boys took offense at something his brother said. It blew up into a big fight that affected all four. It’s never been fully resolved, and because they have not taken the time to address the issue, the boys spend less time together. That breaks my heart. I want my children to be close, to enjoy each other’s company, and to rely on each other in times of crisis.
I don’t know exactly what happened. I wasn’t with them at the time, and no one has been willing to share the details with me.
These are mature men. Their mother should not have to step in and mediate. They need to make the effort to mend the bridge and reestablish their close relationship. I can encourage them from the sidelines, but I can’t do the work for them. Maybe it’ll be the wives and girlfriends who will help resolve the issue. They seem to be the ones most committed to ensuring all’s well in our world.
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