This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Madalyn Conchola, 62, who lives in Phoenix. Conchola adopted four of her granddaughters, ages 7 to 19. She said the financial hit has been tough, but her granddaughters have been thriving. This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
I was briefly an empty nester; now I’ve adopted four of my granddaughters, ages 7 to 19. My son’s 7-year-old daughter was placed with me when she was 10 months old in 2019. I received my daughter’s 12-, 16-, and 19-year-old daughters in 2021.
I’m an IT analyst in healthcare technology, which I’ve been doing for 16 years. I’ve worked remotely to balance work with raising my youngest daughter, who’s now 26. She lives with me but works and has her own life; I don’t want to put any responsibility on her to raise the grandkids. When I was an empty nester, I was pursuing ministry in foreign missions and an artistic career change.
My two older children were doing well and had children of their own. Then I found out both of them were dealing with substance abuse issues.
I got my son’s daughter first, and not long after, I got my older daughter’s girls safely with me with the help of Child Protective Services.
I had a lot of family resistance
My extended family felt that if I had intervened, I would have left my daughter to her own devices once she didn’t have the responsibility of the children. My daughter had a lot of anger about the situation, but I didn’t want the kids to be involved in whatever she needed to do to heal. I told her I wasn’t going to let her drag her kids through that. I had recently downsized before getting the kids, but I needed a bigger vehicle and a larger house.
Around the time all of this was happening, I buried my mother in 2020 and my brother in 2021. My granddaughters and I lived in my mom’s house for three years while I was trying to get her affairs in order, and I settled her estate in early 2026. Once we were ready to put her house up for sale, I moved into a rental.
Everything was happening so fast. I could sense that the girls didn’t want to live with their grandmother. They were having a lot of mental issues, and I got them into therapy. There was no handbook on grandparents “reparenting,” and it felt surreal, as though this wasn’t my life.
I looked for resources through my church and family, but wasn’t receiving the kind of support I felt like I needed. When I was fostering them, an agency provided beds, and a consignment shop let me get clothes. Still, I felt there should have been more accessible organizations set up to address the needs of families affected by the opioid crisis.
I isolated myself, put my head down, went to work, and did what I needed to do. I was putting one foot in front of the other and trying to keep the kids active. A lot of my friends are not grandparents yet, or their kids are doing well and can’t relate to my story.
The economy has really affected our living expenses
I earn over $70,000 annually, but my rent is now $2,250 because I needed a place big enough for all of us. My food bill is up to $400 a month because food’s so expensive now. Gasoline costs a few hundred dollars a month. My monthly expenses, including insurance and household bills, total a few thousand.
I don’t know how I do it, but I’ve done it. I do receive a state subsidy of a little over $2,000 for the children, but that doesn’t cover all the costs. Once they get older, that will go away, even if they’re still living with me.
When I saw that neither my son nor daughter was able to comply with what was needed for them to be reunited with their children, I started the adoption process because I didn’t want the girls to go into the system. I was adopted and didn’t find out until I was almost 29. I know that pain and that hurt, and I wanted to alleviate further trauma to the children.
My focus has been on meeting the children’s mental, emotional, and spiritual needs
They’ve all dealt with mental health challenges at times, but are thriving currently. They’re doing better in school, and I think they feel stable and safe with me. I feel like I’m getting my footing and able to breathe a little now.
I’m a tough grandma, but I meet every child where they are and try to provide them with resources.
My 19-year-old granddaughter is in college for dance education. I’m still supporting her, but she’s working part-time. My 16-year-old is in a high school aerospace program and wants to be a commercial pilot, though she’s also interested in psychology. The 12-year-old did cheer this year. The 7-year-old runs the family and can hold her own.
My age and ability to work loom over me
I recently took a mini-vacation to Los Angeles to get away. I’m able to think about some things that I want to do with my life because I still have some life to live.
My eldest daughter is now clean and actively healing her relationship with her children. Having her back in their lives has been helpful to the 12-year-old, especially. She has her own apartment and works. They’ve also been back in touch with their paternal side, which has been helpful. The paternal family is out of state, but they provide needed emotional support, send gifts, and fly in for graduations.
My son is still struggling. I did my best to keep my family together and to ensure the children have the stability and support they need to be successful in life.
Now, my daughter will say, “Mom, I won’t say they wouldn’t have turned out well with me, but I know they wouldn’t have turned out as well as they have with you. It’s like I’ve carried the torch for so long, and then I passed the baton to you, and you’ll get them the rest of the way.”
Still, as time goes on, my age and my ability to work and earn money loom over me. I’m looking for other ways to try to generate an income so that when I’m at the point where I can’t work, I can find help through my art and writing. I’m making sure my credit card debt is extremely low.
I’m preparing to gather my thoughts into a memoir about my life. For a long time, I wasn’t ready to tell my story, but I think it’s part of my healing. There’s nothing that I’m ashamed of.
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