Dear For Love & Money,
I’m 25 years old and live in the Netherlands. I spent 15 years trying to leave my home country for a better future and move to Europe. I thought I would be better off here, have a higher standard of living, and be able to go on holiday.
I worked and saved up whatever I could to make my dream come true. I made it to Europe 1½ years ago, and I’m working in tech sales, an industry that pays well even in a junior position; I make 67,000 Euros a year, but after rent, food, and bills, there’s not much left.
I see people my age going on holidays, wasting money on drinks, skiing in the winter, and partying in Ibiza during the summer. I feel worthless, like all of the effort I put in to be here means nothing. I still can’t afford a holiday or to travel anywhere. It feels like I moved forward three steps, only for the world to take 10 steps backward.
I want to be young, to meet women my age, and to be able to go on dates. I want to spend money on things, and not be scared to wear the one piece of clothing I bought because I can’t afford to buy it again if it gets ruined. What can I do?
Sincerely,
Disappointed Dreamer
Dear Disappointed,
In 2002, my brother-in-law emigrated from Bulgaria to the United States at 21 years old. He had no money and a college degree that most American businesses didn’t recognize. Compared to his American peers who had just graduated from college and were spending their first corporate paychecks on vacations and at bars, his life was distinctly unglamorous.
While his frugal lifestyle reflected my brother-in-law’s lack of funds, though, it also reflected his goals. He used his grit and brains to start over in a new country, and twenty-odd years later, he’s now the most successful person I know. In 2022, he went on a bucket-list hunting trip on a Canadian island, visited his father in Bulgaria, took his kids to Disney World, and whisked my sister away for a romantic tour of Italy and Spain.
I share his story with you to illustrate something that’s easy to forget when life feels exhausting and your dreams are taking longer than you hoped to achieve: The best indicator of how far you’ll go isn’t where you’ve landed — it’s how far you’ve already come. You moved to a new country — something many people never accomplish — and are working in a position with plenty of room for career advancement.
So, please, do me a favor: Look at your accomplishments and congratulate yourself. You’re a rockstar with remarkable inner strength and intelligence, and while I know you’re tired, you’re going places.
Besides, your own history is a much stronger data point for where you “should be” than the social media accounts of your peers. You mentioned seeing other people your age “wasting money on drinks.” Your use of the word “wasting” tells me you aren’t much of a drinker. Apparently, they are, and therefore see drinking as a worthy financial trade-off.
This is why you cannot fall into a comparison trap with your peers. You’re different people on your own journeys. Instead, spend that energy analyzing your own financial priorities and aligning them with your spending habits. This is one of the best ways to turn your abstract fantasies into concrete goals and make choices based on those goals.
Get extremely specific about what matters most to you financially and build your budget around those priorities. If travel matters more to you than clothes, eating out, or nightlife, create a separate sinking fund for holidays and automatically transfer money into it every payday, even if it’s only €100 at a time.
Do the same for other goals that matter to you, whether that’s dating, buying new clothes, or taking time off work. Saving becomes much easier when your money has a clear purpose attached to it.
You can also look for ways to reach your goals in a more budget-friendly way. Get roommates to share your rent, if you can. Buy your clothes at thrift stores. Stay at hostels when you travel, and track airfare and train fare to ensure you’re booking at the lowest prices.
I’d also encourage you to take an honest look at your current spending and identify the expenses that aren’t actually improving your life. A lot of people bleed money through food delivery, subscriptions, expensive grocery stores, or constant small convenience purchases — without realizing how quickly they add up.
I know it can be hard to cut those small expenses when it seems like everyone else can afford both food delivery and a month in Greece, but remember that things may not be how they look with your peers. They may have family money or a credit card balance that would make your head spin. How they spend their money has nothing to do with you. What has everything to do with you, though, is how you continue to build upon the hard work you’ve put in to get where you are, to reach the life you want for yourself.
I know it’s hard, and I understand we all have moments of weariness, but don’t give up on your dreams now. You are doing an incredible job. If you take anything I am telling you to heart, please let it be this: Your story is inspiring. You’ve come so far so quickly, and I can’t wait to see how high you climb.
Rooting for you,
For Love & Money
An earlier version of this article was originally published in February 2023.
Looking for advice on how your savings, debt, or another financial challenge is affecting your relationships? Write to For Love & Money using this Google form.
Read the full article here
