This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Ashley Agnew, senior wealth advisor and director of financial wellness at Centerpoint Advisors and past president of the Financial Therapy Association. It has been edited for length and clarity.
As a wealth advisor, I’ve noticed that my clients often have two reactions to meetings with me. They come out relieved, and even say “That felt like therapy.” Or, they emerge worried that they shared too much.
Money is really hard to talk about. So is death. It’s no wonder that planning for inheritance is fraught for many families.
That’s why I decided to become a certified financial therapist in addition to a wealth advisor.
Later, I became an end-of-life doula, a person who offers support to individuals and families when death is near. It seemed a natural fit with the work I was already doing, facilitating tricky conversations with Boomers and Gen Xers about wealth and legacy.
There’s no way to take emotions out of conversations about money. Instead, I take a dignified, person-centered approach when discussing wealth transfer with my clients. Here’s what that looks like.
1. Recognize that you leave more than just money
Family leaders pass down so much more than a balance sheet: they share the tribal knowledge that’s been handed down through the family. That’s why we so often hear that a family “falls apart” after the death of a matriarch or patriarch.
It’s important to face that head-on and think about your legacy in a holistic way. Consider creating a life story project or an ethical will.
These are projects that capture the stories, blessings, and dreams you want to share with future generations.
2. Set a purpose for your money
What are you personally trying to accomplish with your money? This may be a problem that you’re trying to solve for your family, or an impact you wish to have on your loved ones.
Once you’ve defined a purpose for your money, you can share it with your family and return to that again and again. That purpose becomes the guiding principle for your estate planning.
3. Start conversations early
I once worked with a family where the parents revealed to their son, who was in his 60s, that he had a trust.
They expected him to be elated, but his response was “I never would have missed so many of my kids’ sports games.”
It became a point of contention because he didn’t have all the information to make choices that aligned with his values.
That’s why it’s important to start conversations about wealth transfer early. This can be difficult, especially if your family doesn’t talk openly about money.
Give yourself grace. Broach the subject casually, emphasizing that you’re coming from a place of care and connection. If your family member isn’t ready at that moment, come back to it later.
4. Explore your need to control
I often see people trying to control their money (and family members) from beyond the grave.
Unpacking that need to control is useful; often, it’s rooted in fear. Or, controlling can become a way for an older person to stay relevant and connected to their loved ones.
I worked with a grandmother who insisted on personally approving any withdrawals from the family trust.
When we drilled into why, she realized that these were the only times she had phone conversations with her grandkids. That made everyone feel icky, and they were able to address the root problem by building connections not tied to money.
5. Take action
Talking about financial planning is important, but so is action. If you don’t have an estate plan, create one.
You can always change it in the future. After you’ve had a conversation about planning, set yourself a timeline of 30-45 days to execute the next step. It’s too easy to lose steam on these difficult decisions.
6. Always return to your relationships
If inheritance is the elephant in the room, name it. Then, focus on getting back to true connections with your family.
Just saying that you want to nurture your relationships, regardless of money, is often enough to make people relax, sigh, and say “That’s what I want.”
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