I was always the mom who was on top of the game, stressing over every little detail of my son’s life to make it as perfect as possible.
I had one shot at raising Kayden, and I was going to give it my all. I thought I had it all figured out until the high school years began.
Kayden’s school performance changed freshman year
He was rushing through assignments and failing to hand in work, and he chose video games on his school laptop in lieu of working.
His grades plummeted, and he lost interest in school. I spent every day trying to help resolve the problem.
“What homework needs done?” “Have you asked your teacher for help?” Kayden assured me there was nothing to do and that he had already talked to his teachers.
When I realized otherwise, there would always be an excuse: It was the teacher’s mistake, or he didn’t know he had to hand that assignment in. I emailed his teachers, who also saw Kayden’s lack of motivation.
I was embarrassed and ashamed of him, and I let his teachers know that I was doing everything I could at home to change Kayden’s behavior.
I felt like a failure
The school year ended with Kayden failing math, but as his mom, I felt like the real failure. I had tried everything that I could and exhausted myself worrying over his grades to no avail.
Summer school was the only option, and I dreaded going through the same routine. Plus, Kayden was not thrilled to get up in the morning and sit in a classroom during his summer vacation.
I thought it was fair that he paid for the math class himself with $200 out of his own savings. I wanted him to learn his lesson in case summer school didn’t do the trick on its own.
To my surprise, Kayden had no trouble retaking math and came out with a “B.” He vowed that he had learned his lesson and would stay on top of his work during the upcoming school year.
I had my hopes, but I was realistically skeptical.
I learned to let go
My fiancé was exhausted right alongside me. “You need to let him fail.” At the time, his solution didn’t seem reasonable.
I’m Kayden’s mom. How can I just stand idly by while Kayden disregards his school career and throws his future away? It’s my job to help him. What kind of a mother would I be if I didn’t keep pushing him forward?
“He’s going to be 16. You need to let go. He needs to learn himself,” my fiancé reassured me. Sixteen: the age of driving and getting a job. Two years from becoming an adult.
I wrestled with my thoughts for some time, weighing out the implications of my decision. Deep down, I knew my fiancé was right, but it still felt maternally wrong. I thought of this past school year and the toll it took on me to stay on top of Kayden’s school load.
I was so overwhelmed with his life that I wasn’t living mine. I had to learn to separate my life from Kayden’s. I can’t keep this up when he’s an adult. So, I gave my teenager the independence to sink or swim.
I let my kid take control of his own grades
The next school year was his own, and 10th grade began well, with Kayden bragging about his grades. However, a couple of months in, I didn’t hear much about it.
I couldn’t help but ask about homework, but it was the usual response that he had none. When his grades dipped, I reminded him of summer school and to stay ahead.
I had the urge to walk him through assignments that should be turned in or contact his teachers, but I chose to keep my distance.
Kayden’s teenage mentality got the best of him, and he brushed the thought of summer school off as “not a big deal.” I detached the best that I could to ride this experiment out.
As the school year progressed and his grades continued to suffer, Kayden began to scramble to turn in last-minute assignments and make up work.
Sometimes I would find him in a new setting to help his focus, or he’d stay up late at night to dodge another bullet.
I’d be lying if I said the stress didn’t affect me too, but I held as strong as I could and allowed Kayden to learn through his own trial and error.
Despite the stressful situation, I realized that I felt freedom I had not known in years. I was able to breathe a little easier and had more time for myself. Any past-due assignments weren’t mine to monitor; I had my own schedule to focus on.
I kept waiting for Kayden to ask for help, but he didn’t. He managed in his own way.
This school year ended, and I held my breath for the multiple classes he risked failing. Kayden assured me that he would pass, and I chalked it up to a cocky teenage attitude.
I’ve come to accept Kayden’s new normal, for now
When it came time for me to check Kayden’s final grades for the year, I was not the proud mom I hoped to be.
“I told you, mom,” Kayden said.
I was in shock. He barely squeaked by, with a “D” grade in the classes he risked failing.
So, there will be no summer school this year.
I can accept that it’s progress from failing, though not ideal for where I would like Kayden to be with his grades, and I can only hope he will improve his performance next year.
As for myself, I feel proud that I was finally able to let go and allow Kayden to navigate his own education. He is far from perfect, and so am I. I can accept that, for now, as we both learn and grow together.
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