Parenting, especially in a neurodiverse family, can be all-consuming. A few times a month, my husband and I each take a full night off. No dinner prep, no bedtime routines, no negotiating who’s handling bath time or the last-minute “I need water!” requests. One of us is completely off duty while the other runs the show.
It’s not always seamless, but this simple practice has been essential to our marriage, friendships, and personal wellbeing.
This practice reduces the risk of burning out from constant caregiving by giving us the time to reconnect with ourselves and do the things that will give us more peace of mind and more margin, whether that’s seeing friends, working late occasionally to catch up, or just sitting in silence.
The result? We are showing up better on the nights we are on. Our friends have marveled at the idea, and some have even tried it out themselves.
The idea presented itself naturally
We didn’t start this intentionally. At first, I just noticed we were worn down — always on our phones, short with each other, and generally drained. I was juggling homeschooling our kids, consulting, writing, and leading peer support groups for other parents of autistic kids. My husband had his own work stress, plus obligations to our community and family. We were stretched thin. We were managing logistics, but rarely connecting.
One night, I told him to take some time to himself. Not in a passive aggressive way, but compassionately. I could tell he was burnt out, and I wanted him to find a way to recharge. I knew he needed time to feel more like himself.
Then it became something bigger
That small gesture turned into a bigger question: What if we structured this? What if, instead of squeezing in decompression time sporadically, we planned for it? We started with set nights—I took Thursdays, and he took Mondays. At first, we would each make sure to leave the house, and we didn’t stray from these set days. It helped us draw the lines between being “off” and “on” more clearly.
Over time, our actions became more flexible. When he was in a busier work season, I adjusted to give him more margin, sometimes taking time on the weekends instead of Thursday nights. Now, we can simply check in. He’ll text, “Hey, I need a late work night,” and I’ll say, “I need a friend night this week,” and we make it work.
These nights off have made us better together. I won’t pretend it has all been smooth. Giving each other space meant we also had to face some hard conversations. Being autistic and parenting autistic kids is intense. So is being an extrovert married to an introvert.
When we were dating, my husband needed alone time between our dates. Early in marriage, I’d go out with friends while he stayed home. But once parenting entered the picture, especially with all the extra needs in our household, it became harder to carve out that space.
Structured time off gave us permission to bring that rhythm back into our lives and to offer it to each other without guilt. It made us more patient, more communicative, and more appreciative.
I needed this more than I realized
This arrangement also shifted something in me. As the parent who’s home most often, I’m usually the one deep in the research — therapies, evaluations, how to best support our kids. That sometimes made me feel like I knew the “right” way to do things. But stepping away helped me release control. I don’t need to micromanage my husband’s parenting. He’s an incredible father. He and the kids have their own relationship and they need that time without me hovering.
In letting go, we’ve all gained something. And we’re having more fun.
These nights off have given me room to rediscover myself. One night, I took a book of poetry to a bar. I ended up playing ’90s music bingo with two moms out on a girls’ night. We laughed and swapped stories. As an extrovert, most of my social life revolves around parenting, whether it’s homeschool groups, playdates, or autism support groups. It felt good to connect with people outside of that context, just as me.
Since starting this, I’ve also picked up pastels for the first time since I was a teenager. I’ve started writing more. I’ve deepened friendships. My husband and I use the time differently, but we both return to our family more grounded.
These breaks help our whole family thrive
Friends often ask how we make it work. The truth is, we’re lucky to have some flexibility in our schedules but out structured time off doesn’t have to look like a full evening. Sometimes, my “night off” is a Saturday morning while my husband takes the kids to breakfast or the park. It’s less about the format, and more about the intention. It’s about getting curious about what you need, talking with your partner, and building a rhythm that supports both of you.
In our marriage, we believe that if one of us isn’t thriving, neither one of us is. When we realized we were both barely holding it together, we decided to try something different. At first, it was just a few nights to give each other a break. Then it became a habit. Now, it’s a rhythm we trust.
We communicate. We adjust. And because we’ve built that foundation, there’s no resentment, just mutual care. If I need space, I ask. If he needs time, he takes it. We support each other so we can show up fully for our kids and for ourselves.
This weekly break isn’t about perfection. It’s about intention. And that has made all the difference.
Read the full article here
