Six days after Christmas, my mom Facetimed me, with an urgency in her voice I had only heard when she told me about my aunt’s death.
“I need to tell you something,” she said, “Your dad wants a divorce.” We hung up, and I collapsed on the couch, binge-sobbing through a season of “Gilmore Girls.”
At 34 years old, I had only ever known my parents together. I wasn’t shocked — they had wanted different things for years — but I was heartbroken.
Both of my parents are in their late 60s. Who ends their marriage in the final third of life? It turns out, more people than I thought. According to AARP, splits among couples 65-plus have steadily gone up since 1990, the only divorce demographic that has increased in recent years.
I didn’t understand why now
The one question I had was: Why now?
My husband and I were newly married, and we had all just returned from a monthlong vacation to Argentina and Antarctica — a family honeymoon, my parents joked. I could only chalk it up to divorce being more acceptable today.
We are also living in a world where women are finding their voices again. After all, that’s what happened to my mom. Months before the divorce news, she stopped doing the things my dad expected of her. Her life no longer revolved around ensuring my dad was cared for. I’m proud of her — still am — even if choosing herself was one of the things that ended their marriage.
After 35 years together, my parents had become different people — they had stopped evolving together. My mom had quit drinking two years prior, a maneuver that helped her rediscover herself, but rocked their relationship more than anyone could have predicted. My dad had a hard time losing his drinking buddy. In her sobriety, my mom became frosty, and she resented my dad for losing herself.
My dad became the bad guy
Since my dad wanted the divorce, he became the bad guy, and I shut him out. I placed all the blame on him, but I now realize they were both at fault. Though it wasn’t fair to him, I had to blame someone. My mom, the more emotionally intelligent parent, was better at comforting me, and that’s what I needed while I mourned the life I once knew.
There’s nothing that compares to the grief of a parental split. Some say it’s like a death, but I don’t know about that. Everyone experiences death. Not everyone experiences a divorce. I wasn’t the one going through the divorce, but I felt so alone. It didn’t help that I had seemingly aged out of feeling bad about my parents’ divorce. It’s like I was expected to just shrug it off.
They are happier now
A month ago, a friend who was going through a parental divorce told me she hoped her parents would get back together. I realized I never wanted my parents to reconcile. They are happier without each other. It’s a change I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to manage, but it’s better than seeing either of them unhappy.
The divorce was quick and as amiable as it could be. It took just under eight months for the papers to be signed. Even though I thought I was prepared, the day it was finalized was just as painful as the day I found out. But I often forget that while I’m dealing with my own grief, so are both of my parents.
Since the divorce, my dad has lost over 40 pounds, started doing Tai Chi, and is seeing someone; I have asked not to hear details about her yet. I thought I was ready to know this new, divorced version of my dad, but it’s too soon. I wish I knew how long it will take before I’m ready to hear about the person who is making him happy.
The divorce has only strengthened my marriage so far. My husband makes sure to empower me; if he notices I’ve been doing most of the cooking or cleaning, he takes over. We share responsibilities and encourage each other to have lives outside one another, which is something my parents fell short of. We agreed early on that our independence matters most, and encouraging each other helps us as a couple.
It hasn’t even been a year since I got that call, but I’m trying to cherish the 34 years I had with my parents together — not everyone gets that. There may not be any more family honeymoons, but there will be other trips.
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