Losing a parent is difficult enough. But on top of planning a funeral and taking care of final expenses, surviving family members have to handle the belongings left behind, a Herculean task that leaves little space to grieve.
My mom, Melinda Nicholson, is doing things differently.
For the past few years, she has been practicing Swedish death cleaning to help me navigate her eventual passing, from organizing important documents to passing down heirlooms. It sounds grim, but it’s bringing us both a surprising amount of peace and comfort.
She retired early
Being a police officer for 21 years took a toll on my mom’s health, forcing her into early retirement. While she does not have any life-threatening diagnoses, her experiences showed her the fragility of life and that time waits for no one.
“I was 15 when my daddy died,” my mom recalls. “I remember there was so much he left behind, and after he was gone, it felt like vultures swooping in to take whatever they wanted. I didn’t get to keep much that belonged to him.”
One item she wishes she had inherited from her dad was a pearl-handled revolver, but it disappeared following his death. She recently found several of his belongings among her mother’s possessions, including a watch, a Shriners’ ring, and his military photos.
Her mom handled her dad’s affairs. In 2001, it was her turn to become the custodian of a life that had been left behind.
Having gone through the process herself, she knew what a burden it could be and didn’t want to leave that burden for me or my sister.
Purging with intention and care
My mom has been going through boxes and closets gradually and has developed a system. She offers items to me or my sister first. I’ve been given her anniversary ring from my dad, a ring from her parents, dishes, and family photos. My sister has also received jewelry, dishes, and a water pitcher. She has given photos and trinkets to her cousins and grandchildren.
She donates unwanted items to charity organizations. Other items, such as an old time-keeping book from a now-defunct mill where her mother used to work, were donated to the county history museum.
I got to learn more about my family while helping her
Swedish death cleaning led both of us down our family history’s rabbit holes as we sorted items together. Photos from multiple generations triggered memories and stories. I got a family history lesson and felt closer to those who came before me, even people I never met.
It’s also given us opportunities to spend more time together, talking about things that rarely come up in everyday conversations. It’s comforting to know that I’ll have special reminders of her for the rest of my life, things that won’t get tossed to the wayside in the aftermath of her passing.
To anyone considering Swedish death cleaning, Melinda offers advice: “Don’t wait, even if you think you’re in good health. Start with a single box, then a closet, then a whole room, just don’t wait.”
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