Dear For Love & Money,
My husband makes a high six-figure salary, and he still fusses with me about buying organic milk.
The other day, I sent him to the grocery store to get a few items we needed. I usually do all the shopping because he tends to get caught up in how significantly prices have increased since he was a bachelor shopping for himself 20 years ago, and he ends up criticizing my shopping and how I can do better. Sure enough, he just about blew a gasket over the price of milk.
The thing is, he’s very health-conscious and choosy about what he puts in his body. Additionally, we have some special needs in our family that require rigorous ingredient reading and sourcing of higher-quality produce. I do my best to get the best prices I can by shopping largely at Aldi, but we still end up spending a bit more because of the dietary requirements, which he himself acknowledges.
These little fights and criticism over things we actually need, and the hefty prices that are outside of my control, spoil an afternoon for me. It feels like there is no way to communicate with him because sticker shock eliminates all rational dialogue.
Sincerely,
Longing for Logical Conversation
Dear Longing,
I can empathize with both you and your husband. On one hand, your husband is indignant over the high cost of groceries these days — a grudge I also can’t seem to shake. On the other hand, I feel your pain. Trying to explain to someone still emotionally stuck in 2005 — when a carton of eggs and a loaf of bread were just over a dollar each — that grocery costs not only rose steadily over the years but then skyrocketed during the pandemic is the pinnacle of domestic frustration. I say that because for your husband to emotionally exist in 2005, twenty years after the fact, means he must have been closing his eyes, putting his hands over his ears, and screaming, “La, la, la, I’m not listening.”
Meanwhile, you alone have been covering grocery shopping for your entire family, on pain of his childish antics getting even louder should he see the prices for himself. And the only thanks you get for carrying this significant chunk of household responsibility alone is him periodically telling you that you must be doing it wrong.
Your husband’s ignorance seems a bit willful. He agrees you need higher-quality — and therefore, higher-priced — groceries. Yet he seems unwilling to shell out the money to pay for these necessary items. What’s more, your husband makes a high six-figure income. No matter how unfair the current prices may feel, your husband knows he can afford a $9 gallon of organic milk. (Full disclosure: I had to Google that price, and when I saw it, my stomach flipped. But this is the world we’re all living in — including your husband, no matter how hard he tries to deny it.) However, as my kneejerk response to that price tag illustrates, understanding something and accepting it are two different propositions.
You said you long to have logical conversations with your husband about food costs; that “logic” you mention is the crux of the matter. The only way to free yourself of ugly afternoon spats over the cost of food — something your husband doesn’t seem to realize is outside your control — is to get him out of his feelings of injustice and into a place of rational and functional tolerance for grocery store pricing.
Up to now, you’ve tried to avoid these issues by protecting him from the reality of inflation and taking on all the sticker shock for both of you. Unfortunately, this plan was never bound for long-term success because sharing finances well requires everyone to be on the same page. One person can’t remain blissfully ignorant while the other faces reality for both of them because shared finances mean shared outcomes, even when that outcome is just a gutting line item on the bank statements. Neither party can blame the other if they both understand the reality that led to that line item.
As hard as it may seem, the only way to get to the point of logically working through the realities of life together is to stop protecting him from them. He must be flung into the deep end of facts, forced to sink or swim. Faced with this choice, he won’t have the space to stew in his feelings of injustice or nostalgia for the prices of old.
In other words, if your husband is so convinced you’re grocery shopping wrong, it sounds like he needs to show you how it’s done. And not just once or twice; he needs to take on grocery shopping responsibilities long enough to see the price of berries goes up when they’re not in season, the fluctuations that accompany the holidays, the way you have to spend more during birthday celebrations or when family is in town, and see how his body fluctuates when he chooses wealth over health.
Initially, this shift will be far from easy. You’ve had a working system for a long time, and changing the personality behind your family’s grocery shopping will have a significant impact on all of you. As the expert on doing the job right, you’ll likely face the most discomfort. This isn’t to say that you should withhold your support and treat this like a test.
However, your husband needs to take accountability for not only his lack of involvement in such an essential task as feeding your family, but also his negative, unhelpful attitude when you’ve carried the weight of this responsibility. Any negative outcomes your husband encounters will serve as learning opportunities, and hopefully, on the other side of his learning lies transparency, respect, and logical conversation. And if your husband discovers helpful tips or life hacks that can help your family shop for groceries more frugally while maintaining the quality of food you need, that will benefit all of you.
Ultimately, you’ve borne the brunt of this task for two decades. At a bare minimum, you shouldn’t be harangued for your methods. However, what you really deserve is an equal partner who recognizes and shares the burden of the realities of your lives. Hopefully, giving your husband a turn driving the grocery cart will accomplish all of the above.
Rooting for you,
For Love & Money
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