This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Henley Carr, a 28-year-old advertising professional based in Charleston, South Carolina. It’s been edited for length and clarity.
I girl-bossed way too hard.
Early in my career, I tied my identity to my salary, job title, and “achiever mindset,” largely driven by the validation from powerful male colleagues. I saw myself as different, and at times better, than other women, a feeling I’ve come to realize I was wrong about.
I worked my way up to a director of digital marketing position with a six-figure salary and became the primary breadwinner in my marriage, all while maintaining the goal of climbing the corporate ladder as far as I possibly could.
Since becoming a mother this year, my priorities have completely shifted, and I don’t see work as my purpose the way I used to. It’s been a liberating change, but I’ve had to grieve the “girlboss” I once was.
My girlboss origin started from a need for male validation
When I got hired for an early-career marketing job as the only woman on my team, I saw it as an achievement that set me apart from other women. The validation I received from powerful men at work made me feel special, so I quickly made it my goal to prove myself to the men around me.
I overworked myself to the point of burnout and made it my purpose to climb the corporate ladder.
I had a deep inner knowing that I wanted children, but I pushed that feeling away because I saw motherhood as a resignation from my success and identity. I think I adopted this narrative because of pressure to be what I thought was a “good feminist,” which meant putting my energy toward achieving success, chasing ambitions, and “having it all.” My interpretation of modern feminism never felt like a warm invitation to motherhood.
Having a miscarriage put everything into perspective
In 2024, when I ended up pregnant and later had a miscarriage, my world was shaken, and I realized just how important having children was to me. Even being on the precipice of becoming a mom was more fulfilling than any of my career successes.
My mom, seeing me through this time of struggle, encouraged me to write down a list of what fulfills me and what my dream life looks like. When I looked at the list I had written, I saw that none of it reflected the life I was leading.
Though it was hard to admit, I was certain that I wanted my legacy to be motherhood, not my capacity to rot away in a corporate office. I decided to continue working my job while my husband and I tried for a baby, and I got pregnant.
While it was everything I’d been praying for, I was terrified to tell my employer and potentially face judgment. When I finally did tell them, it was a surprisingly quick and easy conversation.
My workload stayed the same, but my eyes were on the prize of having my baby, which unintentionally caused me to shift my focus away from the girlboss grind.
I hope not to be the breadwinner in my future
I’m about halfway through maternity leave with my new baby, and I’m struggling with the idea of leaving him to go back to work.
I’m being confronted with the fact that my 5-day in-person work environment is not conducive to spending precious time with my baby and being there for his developmental milestones. As my family’s primary breadwinner, I’m planning on returning to work like normal, but I’m looking out for other job opportunities with more flexibility.
My husband is a commercial insurance broker who works on a commission-based basis; however, I hope for him to become the breadwinner moving forward.
I see this time as an opportunity to try something new because the idea that I need to get to the next level in my career no longer chains me down. Work now seems like a means to an end.
I grieve my old identity, but I’m so proud to be a mom
It’s not that money isn’t important to me anymore, but it’s more important for me to find a flexible job that potentially pays much less so that I can be at home with my baby. Still, these days, I feel awkward mentioning that I’m a mother, even though it’s the thing I’m most proud of.
It used to be easy for me to introduce myself to someone and proudly tell them my job title and the impressive accolades that come with it. Now, I find myself worrying about people’s judgment of me.
I wonder if people will roll their eyes at me or think that I threw away my career, just like I used to judge other people for. I’ve never felt more fulfilled than I have since becoming a mother, but I’m still grieving the “achiever” identity that I clung to for so many years.
I’ve finally stopped competing with other women and have a newfound respect for them
I’ve started being friends and communing with other women. Unlike before, I truly respect women who don’t know what they’re doing or what’s next. I think it’s more exciting.
No longer trying to be a girlboss brings a lot of freedom and liberation. Since putting down my girlboss title, I’ve been able to tap into my creative genius as a woman. The more I let go, the more the world becomes my oyster.
Are you a reforming girlboss and would like to share your story? If so, please reach out to the reporter at tmartinelli@businessinsider.com.
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