When my husband and I met, we were both in law school in Washington, DC. We had each moved there for school. Neither of us had any ties to the city, and before we met, neither of us expected to stay there after graduation.
Before we got married in 2002, we discussed moving back to my hometown of Philadelphia, PA, or his hometown of St. Paul, MN, to be closer to family. However, we quickly realized that if we left DC, our job opportunities would be limited. Since we had both spent years in higher education and incurred significant debt to earn our degrees, launching our careers was at the forefront of our minds.
Although my husband and I both wanted children, we knew we wouldn’t have them right away, and allowing family to take a backseat to work seemed like the right choice at the time. After we earned our diplomas, we both got jobs we liked and settled into life in DC for the long haul. But things didn’t work out the way I had planned.
When we started a family, my priorities started to shift
After my first child was born, my priorities started to shift. My daughter was born with multiple disabilities and complex medical needs. Caring for her and working a 9-to-5 job wasn’t feasible. Additionally, not knowing whether she would live until her first birthday prompted me to reevaluate how I wanted to live my life.
Although I loved my job, my career was no longer the most crucial thing in my life. I wound up leaving my position as a full-time attorney and pieced together several part-time and freelance jobs I could do from home instead.
It still wasn’t the right time to move
My husband was thriving in his career, and one parent having a stable job with a steady income was more important than ever with a disabled child. Moreover, by the time my daughter was born, I had established a full life in DC.
We owned a home I loved, and had close friends who became a support system. My husband and I once again briefly considered moving to be closer to family, but it still didn’t seem like the best idea for us. We decided to stay where we were settled, and my husband’s career trajectory seemed much more promising.
My husband and I went on to have three more children. After each child’s birth, we once again discussed moving back to Philadelphia or St. Paul, but with every passing year, leaving DC seemed more difficult, especially if it meant starting over with a new job.
As my kids and parents got older, I questioned the choice to stay in DC
Now that my kids, now aged 10 through 19, and my parents, now in their mid-70s, are older, I think we made a mistake in deciding to raise my children far away from any family. Since I left traditional employment just a few years after graduation, it’s clear that my career would not have suffered from living somewhere without as many job opportunities. My husband may have wound up with a very different career trajectory in Philadelphia or St. Paul, but I think the trade-off would have been worth it.
I love the life we built in DC, and my children are happy. We take advantage of all the city has to offer, from a seemingly endless number of free museums to a vast national park. Still, I often think about how much they missed out on by not growing up close to cousins, grandparents, and a big extended family that loves them. The chaos of life means that visits were not nearly as frequent as I had hoped they would be. Selfishly, I also realize that my life would have been easier if I lived near family who could help when life seems overwhelming or babysit for a night out with my husband.
Guilt also crept in when my father got cancer and my mother developed health challenges of her own. My parents needed help too, but leaving my four kids who needed me made frequent or extended visits impossible. My father passed away a few months ago, and I will always regret that I couldn’t spend more time with him when he was sick. Now, my mother is older and alone, and I wish I could help her more.
Although I’ve tried to devise a plan, it seems impossible to dismantle our lives in DC and move. However, if I could go back and do things over, I would choose being closer to family over better job opportunities.
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