This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Rebecca Reed, 87, who works as a church secretary and an editorial assistant in New Orleans. Reed previously spoke with Business Insider about her desire to retire. This article is a follow-up on her experience raising her grandchildren and the toll it took on her. It has been edited for length and clarity.
My saying is “Do not spoil your grandchildren because they could come back to live with you, and you’re going to have a problem.” I ended up raising my grandchildren after both their parents died.
Their father died in 2003. He was in his early 40s, and he died from cancer. The kids saw this, and it was awful. They say people don’t die of broken hearts, but I think this was a terrible thing for their mother and my daughter, my only child. She died a little over a year later in 2004.
I don’t have much time with my grandchildren anymore. They’re all grown up now, do their own things, and go on trips. I’m always invited, but I can’t join because I’m still working.
I realized I had to take care of these kids
They were 13 and 11 at the time. My husband and I raised the two kids as their legal guardians. My husband was still working. It was like we had two houses.
I was hurting, and these kids were too. They just didn’t show it the way I did. They were rebelling in some ways, and I held it all inside. Our thinking is so far out compared to theirs. My husband was in his 70s, and I was in my late 60s. I couldn’t raise these kids the way I raised my own children.
It felt like starting over
I was driving all over the city with them. It was the weirdest thing because I hadn’t done that in so long. In PTA meetings, the teachers were looking at me, a gray-haired lady, probably thinking of what I was doing here with all these young people.
I had books at home about grandparents raising grandchildren. There was also an organization called Grandparents Raising Grandchildren at a local Jewish community center in New Orleans that I went to. For many of the other grandparents who were raising their grandchildren, their children were on drugs or had abandoned them. It was quite different from my situation, but it still helped a lot.
I don’t even know how I lived through it. I had plenty of problems. I love my grandchildren, and thank God they turned out all right.
After about a year and a half of raising them, I realized you have to let a lot of things go and pick your battles. You can’t always make it work the way you want, and I had to stop stressing myself out about it. I let them get away with a little more than I did with my daughter.
It was hard to get them to take us seriously sometimes
We gave them whatever they wanted because we were still their grandparents. We would give them an allowance. That was the way it was before their parents died.
A lot of times, they didn’t take us seriously. I had to set some rules, whether it was telling them to do their homework, not to be out past midnight, or not to drive my car.
When they wanted phones and said that everyone had phones, I said that wasn’t true. That ticked them off, but my husband heard all of this. One day, I’m at work, and it’s his day off. I got a phone call from my grandson saying he just got a new phone. I went berserk about that. My husband was still in the grandparent stage and would give them whatever they wanted.
He even got my grandson a mouse because he wanted to raise one. I was ready to throw both of them out of the house.
The place where we worked closed down, so we both retired.
We had a limited income for a while because we spent most of it on essentials.
To raise children, you need so much help, so much information, and so much money. The good thing is that my daughter had a life insurance policy, and I was the beneficiary. We couldn’t have afforded what they needed without that. I’m not sure how other people manage.
That was enough for me to get them into private schools and get them uniforms. The money also paid for my granddaughter’s college education. She’s a CPA now with a master’s degree. My grandson didn’t want to enroll in college, but he now has a wonderful events job.
I had to go back to work after my husband died
With all the shenanigans that went on, it’s amazing to see that they’re just two amazing people now.
People tell me that I did a wonderful job with them. I say that the only wonderful job I did was keeping myself sane. Everything fell into place after a while.
My husband died in 2011. I went back to work around then. I had to file for bankruptcy soon after, because I couldn’t pay the bills. I now earn $12 an hour working part-time as a church secretary and part-time as an editorial assistant. I don’t want to work, but I have to.
I want to retire by 90
I try to go to as many family events as I can, but sometimes I have to leave early because I’ve got to go to work.
I’m still absolutely, without a doubt, very close to my grandchildren. I remembered when my granddaughter graduated with her master’s, and one of the speakers asked parents to stand up. Some friends were there and were nudging me to stand. I said I’m just their grandparent. They made me stand up. I am their parent in a way, but I wish their parents could’ve been there.
My grandson is getting married this year, and my granddaughter got married two years ago. She’s now talking about having a baby, and I would like not to be working at all when that happens. I want to be the babysitter.
At 90, I’m retiring from work no matter what. I don’t know if I’ll be able to even pick up a baby at that age. I really hope I’m around for that because that would be icing on the cake.
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