It’s been a few weeks since we dropped off our only child at college. It was a mad dash to the finish: filling out last-minute forms, picking up final dorm furnishings, attending convocation with thousands of other parents, and then saying our goodbyes.
It was all a bit of a blur, and my eyes were welled up for most of the weekend.
Now, back at home, I’m getting used to my empty nest. I’m still avoiding my son’s bedroom, but I’m starting to settle into this new reality. As I ponder what this next phase of my life looks like, I find myself centering on the same questions over and over again.
I wonder: Did I parent my son well enough to prepare him for adulthood — with all its twists, turns, difficulties, and joys? Will he have the wisdom to make smart, real-world decisions? Will he succeed and thrive on his own? Most of all, was I a good enough mom?
I’m not the first to wonder about their parenting
I’m not the only one asking that particular question; generations of parents have pondered it. The British psychoanalyst D.W. Winnicott was the first to introduce the concept of a “good enough mother.” Winnicott theorized that aiming for perfection in parenting might result in more harm than good.
Most parents I know want to pour everything into their children so they can grow into the best version of themselves. We want to give them every opportunity to achieve, succeed, and reach their potential.
But Winnicott advocated for an adaptive parenting style, which can sometimes look and feel quite messy. This approach means letting go of our own preconceived notions about what our children need and truly tuning into them. It’s about knowing when to step on the gas, when to pump the brakes, and when they really need active parenting.
I tried to strike a balance when parenting
As we raised our son, my husband and I tried to strike a balance between fun and firm, work and play, studies and sports, needs and wants. It wasn’t always easy.
I’d see how other people were raising their children and wondered if I was doing it correctly. Trying to find the perfect parenting technique was exhausting. Some kids around us ate all organic all the time; mine got chicken nuggets for weeks in a row. Others took enrichment classes and had specialized playdates; we fostered his interests if we could afford it. And while I volunteered at school when possible, it wasn’t for every event. Not by a long shot.
I eventually realized I didn’t need to keep up with the Joneses — only my own kid. But would that approach serve him well when he moved out and was on his own? Was it enough?
I’ve come to realize that I did what was right for my son
Every parent will make mistakes. I know I made plenty myself. I’ll admit there were times I ran out of patience, felt burned out, and, as a working mom, wasn’t always available to my child the very instant he needed me.
But his dad and I provided an empathetic, safe space where he could share his questions and concerns. We did our very best to instill in him a sense of right and wrong. We nurtured his interests and listened to his thoughts. We had fun with our kid and enjoyed his company.
We also realized when it was time to start letting go. While it was occasionally tough and uncomfortable, we started letting him call his own shots, make his own decisions, and, yes, make his own mistakes, for which he held himself accountable.
Was it a good enough approach for every child? Probably not.
But now that he’s gone, I’ve come to a simple but powerful conclusion: If you’re asking yourself if you were a good enough parent, you were probably just what your child needed when they needed it.
So was I enough for my newly-minted adult now off at college? Signs point to yes.
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