- My pregnancy was planned — possibly even over-planned.
- I was surprised I wasn’t happy when I got a positive test after trying for five months.
- What I was really worried about was whether I would be a good mom.
My husband and I knew when we got married that we wanted kids. And I’m a planner, so we immediately started preparing for the eventuality. We began to get our financial ducks in a row, making spreadsheets, considering the costs of the birth, of diapers, of outfitting a nursery.
We started trying after being married for about a year and a half. I cried for several months when it was just not happening. Waiting each month was torture.
I was surprised at my reaction to a positive test
After the disappointment of many negative tests, I was surprised when a test finally came back positive, and my response in the hotel bathroom was, “Oh crap.” We were on a road trip on the Pacific Coast Highway, and I had started to suspect I may be pregnant when I felt like vomiting every time we passed a hot dog vendor or a subway grate in San Francisco.
I was supposed to be excited about this, obviously. It wasn’t a surprise pregnancy. We had been planning for months, so things were financially on track. I had been taking prenatal vitamins. But I didn’t feel excited. My first thought was, “Are we ready for this?” even though we had discussed that exact question (and about a hundred others) in the months before.
I hated being pregnant
I was not one of those women who enjoyed being pregnant. I did not feel like a fertility goddess.
What I did feel for most of my pregnancy was sick, exhausted, and emotionally conflicted. I didn’t expect to hate being pregnant. I didn’t expect to want to hide what I felt. I didn’t feel justified not being happy when there were other people who were struggling with infertility or miscarriage.
I had no desire to celebrate my pregnancy with a photo shoot. In fact, I have very few photos of myself when I was pregnant. I bought one of those cute pregnancy journals and then gave up on it at about 20 weeks. I felt I had to fake being excited while writing in it, just like I felt I had to do with people in the real world. It was a journal for people who were happy to be creating life, not a grumpy mom-to-be who was having an existential crisis.
I wasn’t feeling physically well and I wasn’t mentally well either. I had a history of depression and anxiety, and my anxiety was starting to increase again as the weeks passed. I was constantly thinking about how this was going to affect me and my marriage. Had we really saved enough money? Would I hate breastfeeding? What elementary school would we send our daughter to? Pregnancy was an anxiety spiral as I tried to field all these questions and doubts.
I was wondering whether I would be a good mom
The question that was on my mind the most, however, is the one that I now know every mom-to-be has: Will I be a good mom? Because even if you’ve planned your pregnancy, saved your pennies, taken the classes, and read all the books, motherhood itself is still a daunting prospect. It’s not something you can fully prepare for, and well, it continues to be full of surprises.
One of the most beneficial things for me during pregnancy and after was finding someone trustworthy with whom I could talk about what felt like taboo feelings. At first, it was just my therapist. As my daughter has grown, I’ve also found like-minded friends, and we are able to share our doubts and fears about motherhood with each other. And that’s made all the difference.
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