At the end of 2024, a relative asked me for financial help. She was planning to leave her expensive money management firm at Goldman Sachs Asset Management, where she was being charged close to 1.5% in fees and placed in a series of esoteric GS funds that charged another 1–2%.
I’m not a fan of double-dipping, so I stepped in and offered to help manage her portfolios. She had four accounts total: a taxable brokerage account, two traditional IRAs, and a Roth IRA. Even though my plate was full managing over ten of my own family’s investment accounts, I knew I could help her save, and potentially earn, more money.
With about $2.3 million in assets, she was paying about $30,000 a year in fees alone. By reconstructing her portfolios into low-cost ETFs with an agreed-upon target allocation based on her risk tolerance, spending needs, and goals, I knew I could save her a lot of money.
Ultimately, I decided to manage her $1.2 million taxable account and her IRA with $800,000 for a total of $2 million. She would let Fidelity manage her other IRA and Roth IRA worth about $300,000.
Through this year-long process of trying to help, I was reminded about a big deficiency about myself. And through this discovery, I am grateful and plan on improving. In addition, this article is about the difficulty of wanting to help someone when you’re burned out.
But first, let me share some practical guidance when deciding whether to pay an investment management fee.
The Fees You Pay Relative to Your Income Matter
I’m okay with someone paying a money manager if they don’t understand investing, have zero time, or receive incredible value-added services such as estate planning or tax strategy. But I’m not okay with high fees (over 1%) when your income doesn’t support it.
As someone in her late-50s with an unstable $35,000 – $45,000 annual income from freelance artwork, paying more than 100% of her annual income in management fees is outrageous.
Yes, on one hand she is fortunate to have a relatively large investment portfolio. But there must be a reasonable limit to how much someone should pay in fees relative to what they earn.
I’m setting that limit at 10% of income, with the preferred target below 5%. In other words, she should be earning at least $300,000 a year, and preferably $600,000 a year, to justify paying $30,000–$50,000 annually in fees.
The problem is that income often goes down or disappears as you get older, especially if you stepped out of the workforce to raise children. And once you retire, you lose your active income entirely.
Most people earn less in retirement than while working, which is why the urgency to aggressively fund a Roth IRA through regular or backdoor contributions is often misguided.
Sure, fund a Roth during low-income years. But if you’re already in the 24% federal marginal bracket, it’s generally a wash. And if you’re in a higher tax bracket, the Roth is unlikely to be beneficial.
The Financial Results After One Year of Money Management
At 58, with a ~$45,000 income and $100,000 annual spending in an expensive city, we decided on a 60/40 stock/bond allocation for her retirement accounts and a slightly more conservative 55/45 split for her taxable account.
With such a large monthly deficit, I didn’t think it was wise to be more aggressive. She was withdrawing about $5,000 a month to cover her expenses.
Despite the income and expense issues, I didn’t have the heart to force her to downgrade apartments to save $1,000 –$2,000 a month. I wanted to see if I could help her maintain her lifestyle for at least another year, especially since I was positive on the markets. And by saving her $30,000 in fees, I essentially more than offset the rent savings anyway.
When the year 2025 ended, the accounts I managed were up about 12%, exceeding the historical 8.4% average return of a 60/40 portfolio. Meanwhile, her Fidelity-managed accounts closed up about 7.2%.
In other words, I outperformed her advisor by almost 5 percentage points.
Take 5% of $2 million and you get $100,000. Add in the $30,000 she saved in fees and the combined value-add is roughly $130,000 in one year.
With an income of roughly $45,000, I essentially generated 3 – 3.7 years of income for her. When it comes to investing, I also like to calculate how much time is saved or gained with investment returns.
If anyone did this for me for free, I would be extremely grateful. I’d express verbal appreciation, send gifts, treat them to meals, pay for their vacation, something.
After a year, managing the money of someone you know takes a far greater emotional toll than I had anticipated.
No Voluntary Appreciation or Acknowledgment
Unfortunately, the only time my relative reached out was during the April 2025 tariff meltdown, asking what she should do. I was already stressed from losing lots of money across my own accounts, which feels especially painful with a stay-at-home spouse and two young kids depending on me.
The 60/40 portfolio I set up helped her lose about half as much as the S&P 500 when it was tanking in March/April 2025 (-8.6% vs -19%. When it comes to managing money, outperforming by just 1% is considered a big win.
But since she is not knowledgeable about investing, which is why she hired help in the first place, she didn’t appreciate the asset allocation decision and instead focused on the downturn. Afterward, when markets recovered, I reduced her equity exposure to 55/45 so she could feel less afraid and I could feel less pressure.
Throughout the year, I provided occasional updates. Before the November correction, I showed her the accounts were up 12% and outperforming by about 5%. She seemed appreciative.
But when the market corrected about ~6% in November, I casually mentioned during a conversation that I was feeling more stressed than usual because some of my growth stocks were down over 15%.
I thought we’d have a nice conversation about the stock market, my efforts to help her, and seeing the bright side of things. That didn’t quite happen.
Indifference About My Own Struggles
Instead of empathizing with my stress and losses, she said:“Why are you stressed? Aren’t you supposed to just invest for the long term and everything will be fine?”
Ah, if turning off emotions when losing lots of money was so easy. I said, “Yes, that’s the philosophy. But I’m still human. Managing money can feel like a full-time job, and I feel pressure to perform for you and for my family.”
Managing $2+ million adds real stress. One mistake could meaningfully affect her lifestyle given she earns relatively little. So I have been carrying this responsibility silently all year. She is, of course, right about being a long-term investor.
After hearing my response, she got a little defensive and explained why she had asked the question. Fair enough, but I was already beaten down emotionally.
My Decision To Cut Ties
I said, “I’d just like some acknowledgment for the work I’ve done. Outperforming by 5% doesn’t happen by accident. It takes diligence, constant monitoring, and experience. I don’t think you realize what it takes.”
Then I added, “If you truly feel no emotion during downturns, that’s actually a great trait for investing. So it might be logical for you to manage your own money in the future.”
She wasn’t pleased, and fired back, “I’ve noticed you seem to need a lot of acknowledgment.” She referenced two unrelated instances where I expressed disappointment when someone close to me didn’t appreciate something I had done. I guess I should have kept my displeasure to myself.
That was the breaking point.
Instead of simply saying “Thank you,” she implied I was needy. That might be true. But that’s not something I wanted to hear in the moment.
Wanting acknowledgment for a job well done seems normal. If you outperform at work and your boss never recognizes you, yet only checks in when things go badly, you’d feel terrible.
But to my relative, my desire for acknowledgment made me weak. So I fired myself.
Oh, How Nice It Is to Be Free
I told her, “You’re right. Maybe I need more acknowledgment than most people. I’ll work on intrinsic motivation instead of seeking recognition from others.”
And she agreed.
I thanked her for the opportunity to help, but told her I needed to reduce my mental load. 2025 was a stressful year due to three rental property turnovers, an in-law unit remodel, the launch of Millionaire Milestones, and all the responsibilities that come with being a father.
Eventually, my relative did express appreciation. She said she was lucky to have my help. Later, she even sent me a wonderful piece of art which she hand made. I was thankful.
But by then, we had already agreed I would no longer manage her money. My shared access to her accounts were already removed.
Saying Thank You Once in a While Goes a Long Way
I do feel bad she’ll now pay around $25,000 a year in fees with her brokerage, if she goes that route. Luckily, before we parted ways, I gave her some guidance and adjusted her portfolio to match her current risk tolerance and financial situation. So she’s going to self manage for now and ask me for advice when needed. I’m totally open to sharing my thoughts whenever she wants.
But even if she does hire an institution to manage her money again, she is also the type of person who genuinely benefits from hiring a financial professional. Finance is a completely different world to her. She will get the most value from a professional.
In retrospect, if she had just said “thank you” and empathized when I was feeling down, I would’ve continued to manage her money for free. But that is now in the past.
Silver Linings And The Things We’ve Learned
Despite everything, I’m glad I went through this experience.
My relative is about $130,000 wealthier as a result. That’s enough to cover six years of wealth management fees if she decides to go that route, or a year of living expenses.
More importantly, we now understand each other better, which ultimately means a better relationship. She wasn’t failing to acknowledge my work out of ungratefulness or entitlement. She simply didn’t realize how much her portfolio had outperformed or the effort I was putting in behind the scenes to help it do so.
As for me, I learned that if I’m going to do something for someone, I should keep them updated along the way. Otherwise, how are they supposed to know what’s being done on their behalf? Everyone is busy with their own lives.
I also learned that I’m too sensitive about feeling invisible. This may be a result of always moving around every 2-4 years as a kid, adapting to a new school while my parents worked full-time jobs for the foreign service.
I tend to take things too personally and sometimes quit too soon as a result. This tendency was evident when I negotiated a severance package and left finance for good in 2012 at age 34 parlay because I felt I didn’t get the raise and promotion that I deserved. Now that I’m 48, I realize how young 34 really was to walk away. If I could speak to my younger self, I’d tell him to tough it out for another five years.
I saw the same tendency again when I quit a part-time consulting role in early 2024 after just four months. The flexibility was great, and the extra income was nice, especially when I exhausted most of my liquidity buying a house. But I couldn’t handle being told what to do in my own craft any longer. In reality, most people would have kept going. Criticism and occasional micromanagement come with the territory.
Finally, I learned that I will never manage someone else’s money for free again. The mental stress, especially during times of volatility, is too taxing. I feel much worse losing other people‘s money than my own. Money and family often don’t mix, despite our best intentions.
Managing Money Can Be Hard Work
I know that as DIY investors who love investing mostly in index ETFs, many of us don’t want to pay any more in fees than necessary. However, after going through this experience for a year, I can unequivocally say that money managers deserve to be compensated. A lot goes on behind the scenes to help clients lose less money and earn more money in a risk-appropriate way.
Whether the right management fee is 0.1% or 1% is up to prospective clients and the owners of money management businesses to decide. But charging over 1% and then layering additional fund fees on top of that is not something I support.
Personally, I’m happy to provide financial guidance on a fee-only basis. I do so once or twice a month with long-time readers, which is rewarding for both parties. Here’s my personal finance consulting page if interested, as I do have a promotion going on through May. But when it comes to constantly managing other people’s money, I’m going to pass.
Helping people growth their wealth is fulfilling. Being responsible for it every day is a different story.
Reader Questions & Suggestions
Why do we not thank the people who help us along the way? How can we raise the issue of feeling underappreciated – at work, with friends, or with loved ones – without damaging the relationship? If you’ve volunteered to manage money for a relative or loved one for free, how did that go?
Each month, I go to the post office to send out signed copies of my USA Today bestseller, Millionaire Milestones. If you’re interested in participating in this promotion, you can sign up for a free financial consultation with Empower. Read about my experience and the instructions in this post.
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