This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Lisa La Valle, 64, who moved from New Jersey to Paris in 2018 and now lives in Brescia, Italy. La Valle retired in 2023, but still works part-time as an English teacher and is an author who writes about culture and the expat experience. This conversation has been edited for length and clarity.
I lived abroad for the first time at 24. I did my final university semester in Athens, Greece, and I loved it so much that I said, “I’m just going to stay” — and I did, for two years.
I eventually moved back to the US and settled in New Jersey. I got married, had kids, started a career as an expat career coach, and spent many years working and traveling around the world.
My ex-husband and I always dreamed of moving to Europe once our children were older.
When we divorced, I looked ahead at the rest of my life and thought, “I’ll be damned if I spend the next 30 years in New Jersey.” I didn’t want to worry about affording healthcare or staying in the rat race to keep up with the high cost of living. So, in 2018, at the age of 57, I kept the dream alive and purchased a one-way ticket to Paris.
I have lived in Europe for eight years, first in Paris and now in Italy. Moving to a new country is always an adventure, but there’s a difference between doing it at 24 and at 57.
In my 20s, I immersed myself in Greek culture rather than being “me.” Now I’m more fully formed as a woman; I came to Europe to breathe, to find myself, and to see whether I could do it.
Paris wasn’t what I’d hoped for
There’s a phenomenon called Paris Syndrome: a shock that hits when your Paris bubble, the fantasy of what the city should be like, pops. It happened to me.
When I first moved to Paris in 2018, I sometimes had to pinch myself. I remember crossing the statues on Pont Neuf and crying at the beauty. But after nine months, the rose-colored glasses came off.
Some places are great at exporting a brand — the American dream, the romantic Parisian dream — but it doesn’t always reflect reality.
I eventually realized that life and the people in France are just like everywhere else. The glamorized version seen on Netflix’s Emily in Paris couldn’t be further from the truth — and no, not everyone looks like Jane Birkin.
What wore me down most about living in France was the cynicism. In many ways, Paris felt like a private club, and I was not invited.
Forming friendships in a new country can be a challenging experience. Although I’m willing to befriend anyone, I know not everyone is, and being an expat can be an extraordinarily isolating and lonely experience for some people.
I lived in Paris for four years, and overall, I had a good life. I made some close friends and enjoyed teaching English at several schools, including the International School of Paris. But still, I never got the feeling that it was where I wanted to stay forever.
I feel at home in Italy
I moved to Italy in 2021 after accepting a job teaching English literature at an international high school. This was before I took early retirement; I was still working about 20 hours a week and earning about $1,500 a month.
I think it’s much easier to move to a new place when you have a job lined up. You have a financial safety net, a social network, and sometimes even a place to live. That security turns the risk into a calculated one.
I am a third-generation Italian. My ancestors left Italy in search of a better life in the United States. Ironically, a century later, I became a reverse immigrant.
I live in Brescia, in the North between Milan and Verona. There isn’t the chaos of the touristy South, and, beyond the Old City, it is distinctly modern — more like a Northern European city than the Italian cliché.
After experiencing the “Hollywood version” of Europe, with its cobblestone streets and lantern-lit homes, I’m grateful to live in a modern, fully refurbished apartment in Brescia.
I have a big living room with terracotta tiles, a kitchen, a full bathroom, a wide hallway with floor-to-ceiling windows, a large bedroom, and a terrace. It feels like a hotel, but I pay only €550 ($636.60) a month in rent.
In Paris, my rent was $1,200 a month. I really had to work my ass off; it’s one of the reasons I left there. Here in Brescia, I’m saving money, and I also feel welcomed, whereas in Paris, I used to be filled with anxiety.
‘I feel as if my DNA has been rearranged’
Everyone knows about the American Dream: get married, have kids, build a career. I think a lot of people in the United States are waking up to the reality that it isn’t working anymore, or it doesn’t exist the way it did for their parents. That’s why we’re seeing people with the means to move abroad actually do it.
I’m all for following your dreams, but brace yourself — it’s not always easy moving to a new country. In many ways, it might not live up to your expectations.
While Europe has given me the quality of life I envisioned — the transportation is excellent, the healthcare system is solid, the food is fresh, and people are polite — I’m living in a different Europe than the one I experienced in Athens in 1984. It’s taken some time to adjust.
Still, I feel like I have a great life. I’m retired now and have been receiving Social Security for the past two years, so I work part-time. I don’t make a lot, but the lower cost of living makes life much easier. I don’t feel like I have to struggle financially, like I would have had to in the US.
I feel as if my DNA has been rearranged. I definitely wish I had moved sooner, but I had obligations — now, not so much.
When I go back to the US, it’s like slipping into an old shoe, but I don’t feel nostalgic or as if I’m missing out. I don’t wonder, “Did I make the right decision?” If anything, the visit reaffirms that I did.
Read the full article here
