Husband and Wife Are Both Alphas. It Can Make Parenting Tricky.

Our family often doesn’t do things the usual way. With two strong-willed parents at the helm, our parenting style can be quite unconventional at times. What drew me to my husband was his sense of responsibility, even as the fourth among his siblings. And he says it was my can-do-it-all mindset that won him over. Early in our marriage, we agreed to approach parenting as a team, not rivals. But real life has tested that. Our strong views have helped us, and hurt us, at different times.

Whether it’s making big decisions, handling crises, or settling minor sibling spats, there’s always an unspoken competition: Who’s the stronger one?

The wins of having two alpha parents

Most of the time, our kids benefit from having two parents who take charge. There are moments when our strong-willed nature is not just helpful, it’s what the situation needs.

Like the day I accidentally dislocated my baby daughter’s wrist. She slipped, and I pulled her arm too hard in an attempt to steady her. I didn’t realize something was wrong until she refused to move her hand and cried loudly when we touched it. That emergency room visit could have been a nightmare, but my husband and I went into action mode. He didn’t waste time blaming me, and we focused on getting her the care she needed. Even though I felt guilty, I knew that wallowing wouldn’t help. What mattered was staying calm and fixing the situation.

Then there was the time our older son faced some issues at school. It took both of us standing firm: advocating, demanding action, and making sure the school followed through. A softer approach wouldn’t have worked in this case. Our persistence and refusal to back down were exactly what was needed to protect him and hold others accountable.

When two alphas clash

But let’s be real, two alphas under one roof means a fair share of conflicts, too.

Since my husband and I are equally strong-willed, it’s hard for either of us to step back and let the other lead. A big one lately is how much freedom to give our 12-year-old. My husband believes in pushing him toward independence, like letting him shop alone at the store while he waits outside, and teaching him road safety years before he’s even old enough to drive. I, on the other hand, want to make his journey to independence more gradual and structured. At first, I resisted, convinced it was too soon. But after seeing my son’s enthusiasm and confidence grow under his dad’s guidance, I finally let go.

Another challenge is that our kids are not naturally as assertive as we are, and sometimes our intensity can be overwhelming for them. We push forward, always in high-energy, go-go-go mode, forgetting that they don’t necessarily thrive at that pace. We’ll come home from a long day, and despite being tired, we’ll still take on another task. One of the kids will inevitably ask, “Are you two ever exhausted?”

And because we rarely show vulnerability, they sometimes struggle to open up about their own emotions.

Lessons we have learned

Through trial and error, we have realized that parenting isn’t about winning, it’s about knowing when to step back and let the other take the lead when it makes the most sense. It’s also about recognizing that strength is not just about pushing forward; it’s also about knowing when to slow down. If we never show exhaustion, our kids might think they have to bottle up their own struggles, too.

But for all our headstrong moments, we do share the same vision: raising confident, disciplined kids who know how to stand their ground. And despite our different yet strong approaches, we’ve found our rhythm. I handle the budget and scheduling; my husband is better at emotional support and creative problem-solving. Whether it is picking a school or a new car, we still have strong opinions, but we have learned to respect each other’s input.

At the end of the day, being two alphas means our household never lacks leadership. It just sometimes requires a little more negotiation.