The first stepmother I remember was Lady Tremaine — the wicked stepmother, brought to us by Disney in the film “Cinderella.”
Today, I’m the second in three generations of stepmoms. I’m a stepmom of three. My mom became a stepmom when I was in my teens. My youngest stepdaughter is now a stepmom, and I have a stepmom.
Throughout my teens and early 20s, I watched my mom as she navigated being a stepparent. This year, I’ve officially been a stepmom for 20 years. Now I’m watching my stepdaughter as she navigates her own stepparent journey.
Becoming a not-so-evil stepmom in the most magical place on Earth
Funny enough, I became a stepmom at a Disney World wedding. At the time, my stepson was 16, my stepdaughters were 13 and 8, and my son was 5.
The kids all joked that the second we said “I do,” I was going to turn wicked and lock them in a tower.
My husband and I had dated for a few years before we got married. I had gotten to know the kids pretty well. My son was almost 3 when we met, and my future stepchildren knew me not just as Dad’s girlfriend, but also Austin’s mom.
I think being a mom myself helped my stepchildren see me in a different light. I wasn’t their mom, but I was someone else’s mom, and they liked that kid.
Our blended family grew to yours, mine, and ours
In 2008, our family grew from yours and mine. We added “ours,” and now my stepchildren have a stepsibling (no shared parent) and a half-sibling (shares one parent).
One thing I learned from my mom is that siblings fight. When the kids would argue about whose turn it was to unload the dishwasher or fight over a special cup, my husband and I would smile. We both had similar arguments with our own siblings. It’s what families do.
My favorite moments were being crammed around the table during dinner. The noise was deafening — everyone sharing stories, grabbing food, laughing. We couldn’t do it often, but made it a priority when it was possible.
Despite a large age difference, the kids have relationships. They all dance together at weddings. The youngest, now 17, and the oldest play video games together. My son regularly goes to my stepdaughter for advice.
Being a trusted adult, not another parent
The role of a stepparent isn’t usually the same as being a parent. I learned this from watching my mom. My stepsister had a mom, a very involved mom, and that wasn’t the role my mom was going to play in her life.
My stepchildren have a wonderful, caring, engaged mom. I’ve tried to take the lead from my stepchildren on the role they need me to play.
That role was finding a great deal on a teenager’s first car. To take them for their first pedicure. To know where to find cute prom dresses for petite girls. To offer advice, ideas, and another point of view. To be a break from their parents. Be the person on the phone when they didn’t want to call mom or dad. To be there when life is harsh.
My stepmom came into my life in adulthood. She’s kind, caring, a friend, and an adult I can rely on. My youngest stepdaughter, now a stepmom herself, said it best. The role of a stepparent is that of a trusted adult.
Like parenting, stepparenting is a mix of emotions
When my husband and I were still dating, we took my son and youngest stepdaughter to see “March of the Penguins.” During a traumatizing scene involving a shark, she climbed into my lap to be comforted.
I had this mix of emotions: happy, sad, and guilt. Happy we had grown close enough that I was a comfort for her. Sad that it was so scary, and I couldn’t fix it. And guilt because I know how I would feel if another mom were comforting my kid. This mix of feelings was telling for life as a stepparent.
I would see them do something amazing, but I’m not the first person they hug. They’re sick, but the school didn’t call me. On Mother’s Day, I get a text, but I’m not the priority for brunch. I see them struggle with tough decisions; I’m there to listen and offer a perspective, but the final choice is one I don’t have a say in.
Rationally, I know they have amazing parents, but emotionally, it was hard.
I am lucky to have these three caring, clever, funny people to love. To be there for birthdays, weddings, becoming parents, and just those occasional loud dinners full of laughter.
To this day, my youngest stepdaughter and I are close. We share a love of fashion, gymnastics, incredibly long, rapid-fire texts, and being not-so-evil stepmoms. Now I get to see her use her experience to help her stepchildren. To listen, understand, and be that trusted adult.
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