Telling a military spouse, “You signed up for this,” is one of the most dismissive things you can say.
In reality, no one and nothing can prepare you for life as an active-duty spouse.
I met my husband in college when he was a cadet in the Reserve Officer Training Corps (ROTC), and from the start, we shared big dreams of building a life together.
I watched him work hard to earn a highly coveted pilot training slot in college, and eventually commission as an Air Force officer one week before our wedding.
Since then, we’ve lived in three homes and moved across the country for his job. Between deployments, monthslong trainings, and multiple moves, our life feels anything but normal.
I thought I knew what to expect from this lifestyle, but I was wrong.
Though we’ve met lifelong friends and made the most of our active-duty life, being a military spouse has been harder than I could’ve imagined.
I wasn’t prepared for how brutal deployments would be
My husband has deployed a few times, and it’s one of the hardest things I’ve had to go through.
During deployment, it felt like our home was drained of the life and love that he brings to it. My world seemed to stand still, and I had to slowly and painfully learn how to navigate life without him.
Milestones, both big and small, were reduced to messages and phone calls. I remember tearfully breaking the news of my grandpa’s passing on the phone, aching for us to be together to grieve.
The pain of deployments lingers far beyond the actual time apart. The emotional weight begins months before you say goodbye with daunting tasks like drafting wills and arranging life insurance.
Few people mention the challenges of post-deployment reintegration and navigating how to piece back your life to a sense of normality.
We deeply miss living close to family
We’re very close to our families in the Midwest, and it’s heartbreaking to watch life continue back home without us.
Though we prioritize returning to the Midwest for holidays and weddings, we still miss the smaller milestones. With each visit, we notice our parents and grandparents quietly aging, and it’s painful to feel so far away.
In moments when our families need support, the distance can be stifling and leave us feeling helpless.
Saying goodbye to friends hasn’t gotten easier
In the military, friends quickly become family as you bond over shared experiences and a mutual understanding of military life.
Over the past seven years, we’ve formed some of our closest friendships through the military, but saying goodbye hasn’t gotten any easier.
I’ve sobbed into my best friend’s shoulder as we parted ways before her overseas move. My husband and I have stood on countless driveways, watching our friends’ moving trucks come and go.
We’ve held back tears while helping our friends pack their home into stacked boxes.
As a military spouse, finding your support system and starting over can be exhausting. The more I say goodbye to friends, the less enthusiastic I am about making new ones.
However, one silver lining is having friends scattered around the globe to visit — and there’s always a chance we could get stationed together again.
Our life rarely feels like it’s in our control
My husband might have signed on the dotted line for his contract, but the military affects both of us. As a military spouse, you give up some of your own freedom to support your partner’s service and commitment.
Even simple things, like planning a quick weekend trip or attending a wedding, require prior approval. Travel must always be authorized, and without that approval, it’s considered an unexcused absence with serious consequences.
Our lives can also change with very little notice. Though we can share our preferences, ultimately, the military’s needs take priority.
We’ve built a life we love here in Florida, but there’s always uncertainty looming about what our future holds.
We’re trying to give grace to our younger selves
My husband committed to ROTC at 19 years old, just a few months before we met. Later in college, he received his dream assignment to train to be an active-duty pilot. He gleefully accepted his admission — and everything that comes with it.
In reality, it’s hard to grasp what a 10-year military commitment really entails as a college kid.
We dreamed of a life filled with adventure and travel. And while some of that has been true, we’ve also experienced the weight of sacrifice and uncertainty that we didn’t fully anticipate.
In many ways, we were young and naive, and it’s OK to admit life looks different than we envisioned.
Over the years, my husband and I have learned to live more in the present, appreciate the precious time we have with family, and worry less about the future.
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